Friday, October 7, 2016

The Human Duplicators of Outsider Poetry

Because I am obsessed with the movie The Human Duplicators this early morning and watching it on MST 3000 I will write this blog as I watch. I'd rally like to get off the couch and get myself a final snack. Maybe some sunflower seeds and milk.

News from the Outsider Poetry Slam League of America?

None.

I wanted to comment on something I saw on Thursday Night Football. Jim Nantz and Phil Simms spent the whole game trying to convince the audience that Blaine Gabbert was a viable NFL quarterback and that Colin Kaepernick was lazy, unpopular with his teammates, and too dumb to run the Chip Kelly offense, but as the game progressed and Blaine Gabbert sucked more and more and the crowd kept yelling for Kaepernick I wondered "What offense?" They seemed increasingly panicked that the Black man was actually going to get a chance to play, and something about that made them angry. The racism was very thinly veiled.

I now hope Colin Kaepernick does get another chance to start for the 49ers. I remember his initial Super Bowl run. I had been waiting for him to become the starter on my fantasy football team, and when he did, and they were all saying the way he was playing the position might revolutionize the game, I thought I had a quarterback for another decade in this keeper league. But by the next year he was barely worth playing, and then lost his job.

None of this has anything to do with Outsider Poetry, the Rockford Pages, or The Human Duplicators. Of course Hugh Beaumont plays the sensible scientist in this movie. What else would he play, an outlaw poet?

This picture of Hugh Beaumont is not from the Human Duplicators, and he is not portraying a Beatnik poet

I suppose there's a plot to duplicate humans into a zombie army to take over Earth in this movie, but a half hour in I don't see it. The guy from Moonraker is in it. And Ward Cleaver. One more blog after this. The Outsider Poets of Padukah which reminds me of this blog I wrote about poet Tom T Hall and the song he wrote that contains the lines "It rained in every town except Padukah/Then one day it rained in Padukah, too."

I guess I'll go forage for that snack. I wrote a nice long blog about Dungeons and Dragons earlier tonight, and ordered a Dungeon Master's Screen. And the module The Secret of Bone Hill. 

Oh well, Leave It To Beaver.

No, I should probably write a few more words to avoid thin content. Stupid content, allowable, thin content not. Did I say about my dental work almost being over and hoping next year I can do some cosmetic things with my teeth? I can't believe someone is going to pay triple digits for this dumbass movie, or at least for the box. 

Thursday, September 29, 2016

Millard Rausch Named Poet Laureate of United States

The eye-patch wearing scientist from Dawn of the Dead, Dr. Millard Rausch, has been named poet laureate of the United States according to Variety. The announcement was made this afternoon by the Minister of Rivers and Streams, and cannot be annulled except by an act of Congress.

Rausch's 1975 book of poetry Her Last Few Fucks Were Wasted is considered a classic of both outsider and outlaw poetry, and contains the classic poem My Testicles Are Harder Than Bricks.

Rockford, Illinois is now the most violent city in America under 200,000 people, but we play a lot bigger than that. Sort of like Dennis Rodman. 

Anyway, I was watching All the Colors of the Dark when the news about Millard Rausch, league commissioner of the Outsider Poetry League of America came down. It was a little bit of a surprise, as Dr. Rausch has not released a book of poetry in over a decade, but it makes sense to those who know about literature. 


Dr. Millard Rausch named Poet Laureate of the United States

I voted today. I had the inclination to do a write in vote for one of the races, but decided not to because I didn't want to take the chance of invalidating my ballot. There were four election judges and three voters there when I arrived. I guess people couldn't be bothered. 

Sunday, August 28, 2016

Proposed Rule Changes For Outsider Poetry Slam League of America 2017

There have been several rule changes proposed at the Competition Committee Meeting here in Rockford at the winter meetings, and I'd like to sort out a few of the proposed changes that have already been adopted, a few that have been rejected, and some that are still under consideration. 

1) All haikus will suffer an initial ten point penalty before being performed. This rule was objected to vociferously by the new Tokyo Godzillas team representative, but nonetheless passed with a majority of delegations simply arguing haikus were poetry we can't use. 

2) No berets. Berets are now verboten at OPSLA bouts. 

No Nantucket for beret-wearing poets says OPSLA hierarchy


3) You sing the blues, you lose. Downer poems will be actively discouraged and derided by the judges, and the audience will be openly encouraged to disrupt performances they find depressing by hissing or playing The Village Peoples' "Macho Man" on the jukebox.

4) No epics, Homer. Diatribes, jerrymiads, and filibusters are now expressly forbidden at OPSLA events. You want to obstruct become a Republican Congressman, but at OPSLA events we're going to keep it lively and fast-paced. 

Many other rules were shot down in committee, including an attempt to eliminate alcoholic beverages from OPSLA events. As league founder Dr. Millard Rausch said, "How else would anyone be able to sit in a room full of poets if booze wasn't readily available?" 

The Winter Meetings will go on until March, when the delegates will emerge with a s chedule for the 2017 season, and several announcements concerning new franchises, rules, venues, celebrity poets, and television schedules.


Tuesday, July 19, 2016

Former Met Jerry Grote Joins Chemung Shamans

Former Met catcher Jerry Grote, famous as the man whose arms Jerry Koosman jumped into after the Mets won the 1969 World Series, has joined the Chemung Shamans Outsider Poetry slam team for the 2017 season. Grote never left New York after his playing days, and actually lives in the Chemung area. A lifelong poet, he was intrigued when he attended a Chemung Shamans bout aginst the Rockford Pages earlier in the season, and contacted the league CEO, Dr. Millard Rausch, about joining the team. 

Grote, who played with an intensity so intense that a neurological disorder, Grote's Syndrome was named after him, has led many to question if he will bring that same rage to the Outsider Poetry Slam league bouts next season, which could be a mistake in bouts against new OPSLA competitors Raven Shadmock and The Ubermenscher. 

The signing has led many to wonder if the 2017 season will be a mere repeat of the 2016 season, where the Chemung Shamans went undefeated in the Eastern Division before being beaten in the Championship by the undefeated Western Division champs the Rancho Cucamonga Kookamungas. Both teams have strengthened their rosters during the off season, and with expansion to 16 teams likely to thin out the talent pool, it is probably both teams will be difficult to defeat in the coming season. Las Vegas books have Rancho Cucamonga at a 7:5 proposition, wheras the newest team, The Hell Hollerers are 750:1.

Former Met pitchers Craig Swan and Jon Matlack are quoted as saying they were intimidated by the surly Grote, and were afraid at times to shake off the pitches he called. Will Grote be calling the pitches for the Chemung Shamans? On a team with strong-willed poets, it is unlikely anyone will want to allow Grote to call the signals. 

Grote is also no fan of umpires, once allowing a fastball to intentionally pass by and hit Bruce Froemming in the throat. Will groat attempt to intimidate the referees and judges of the OPSLA? It is hard to say. 

Grote also hates the press. Which may be a disadvantage when trying to promote a fledgling Poetry Slam League. Come to think of it, Grote may just be a pain in the ass. 

Monday, July 18, 2016

The Ubermenscher Himself Joins Outsider Poetry Slam League of America

Tibetan Tulpa demon The Ubermenscher, made famous in the "Arcadia" episode of The X-Files, will be joining the Hell Hollerers of the Outsider Poetry Slam League of America next season. For many centuries believed to be merely a figment of the collective unconscience, the Tulpa Demon, who prefers to be referred to as Walter Clemons, is actually a big fan of both slam poetry and the outsider poetry slam, and contacted league president and former star of Dawn of the Dead Dr. Millard Rausch to ask if figments of the imagination were eligible to compete in OPSLA sanctioned events. Dr. Rausch said there is no rule expressly forbidding that, so Ubermenscher filled out the paperwork, and was quickly signed by the newest franchise, the Hell, Michigan Hollerers. 



The Ubermenscher is actually very politically conscious, and recommends all Americans vote... or else. 

Asked in an interview if his tendency to shatter the eardrums of humans with his voice will be a detriment to to his performance in the OPSLA, Walter Clemons made an intonation, shattered the reporter's ear drums, then shambled off. 

What will this new franchise, the Hell Hollerers, roster look like. We know Helen Reddy and Helen Mirren are already signed to the team, with rumors that Donald Trump will join once he is humiliated in the presidential race.

Is it a good idea to get off the Ubermenscher's lawn? Yes. Play Pokemon Go in his neighborhood? No. Play Nickleback songs in his earshot? No.

We haven't even gotten to the Winter Meetings, and there have already been many exciting developments for OPSLA franchises, including the addition of the Yakima Yakkers, Hell Hollerers, and Sausalito Saucy Saucers. Also, the signing of many celbrities, including Bub the Zombie, Dr. Who, Peter Dinklage, and Raven Shadmock. 

The Outsider Poetry League of America is the world's largest competitive slam poetry league, and the champion of the OPSLA is considered the best slam poetry team in the world. This year the championship was won by the Rancho Cucamonga Kookamungas. One might think the Kookamungas might be resting on their poetic laurels, but that has not been the case as they have been perhaps the busiest team in the league already this off season, and intend to create the first minor league poetry system. 

Sunday, July 17, 2016

Great Week For The Outsider Poetry Slam League of America

What was a terrible weeks for most of the world turned out to be a rather nice week for the Outsider Poetry Slam League of America, according to league president Dr. Millard Rausch. Several corporate sponsors, including Alpo, Budweiser, Trojan Condoms, and Toyota, which is going to revive its classic ad campaign, "You wanted it, you got it, Toyota," for the 2017 season. 

In even more exciting news. several celebrity poets announced they will be joing to rosters of Outsider poetry teams next year, including Peter Dinklage of Game of Thrones fame, Dr. Who will bejoining the Rancho Cucamonga team in the form of actor Tom Baker, Helen Reddy will be joining the Hell Hollerers, a new franchise in Hell, Michigan, comedian Carrot Top will be joining the Podunk Polemicists, veteran television producer Norman Lear joining the Sheboygan Syllablists, superhero Ape-Face Rockefeller joining the Rockford Pages, Raven Shadmock joining the Kokomo Oralists, and Cokie Roberts agreeing to join the new franchise in Yakima. 

The Fourth Incarnation of Dr. Who, here pictured wearing a poet's shirt, will be joining the Rancho Cucamonga Kookamungas for the 2017 Outsider Poetry Slam League of America season. The Kookamungas were the 2016 league champions, and have a roster filled with celebrities, including the Bridges brothers, Dr. Who, and Lorenzo Lamas. 

The Hell Hollerers will begin competing in OPSLA in the 2017 season. Helen Reddy will be the team captain, and Helen Mirren is reported to have shown interest in joining the squad. 

Helen Mirren, Rockford poet, set to join the Hell Hollerers for the 2017 season. Shineboxes.

Thursday, July 14, 2016

The Omega Man To Join Outsider Poetry Slam League of America in 2017

The Omega Man himself has decided to join the Outsider Poetry Slam League of America in 2017, but has not chosen a team. It is rumored he is leaning heavily towards the Rockford Pages, but no statement has been made yet. 

The Omega Man will be competing in the OPSLA in 2017, possibly with the Rockford Pages

The move may help shift the balance of power away from the Rancho Cucamonga Kookamungas, who recently signed Tom Baker, the fourth incarnation of Dr. Who for the 2017 season, and are promising many more celebrity signings.

Rockford sorely needs an injection of hope for the 2017 season, as they went winless in the inaugural OPSLA season, despite a promising lineup that included Outlaw Poet Thomas L. Vaultonburg, Jesus Correa, and The Leader of Something Horrible Tim Stotz.

The Omega Man would fit in seemlessly in Rockford, a city forsaken by anyone with logic or decency, and declared America's third dumbest, fattest, and most violent city by the national media. 

Other teams in the league have also been scrambling to make off season acquistitions, with the Chemung Shamans signing Game of Thrones actor Peter Dinklage, and of course the Dr. Who signing by Rancho Cucamonga. 

In other news, the Rules Committee is meeting this week in Orlando to discuss several proposed rule changes to make competition more fair, including fair and impartial referees and judges, whereas the home team now is required to provide celbrity judges. The system has been abused nearly from the beginning, and a core of disinterested judges is clearly needed. Other rules changes include limiting bouts to non-alcoholic venues as several riots broke out during last season's contests. 

Eight new teams have applied to be included in the OPSLA season, with cities in Sheboygan, Yakima, and Hell, Minnesota getting approval.

  1. The Hell Hollerers will compete in the 2017 Outsider Poetry Slam season