Tuesday, July 19, 2016

Former Met Jerry Grote Joins Chemung Shamans

Former Met catcher Jerry Grote, famous as the man whose arms Jerry Koosman jumped into after the Mets won the 1969 World Series, has joined the Chemung Shamans Outsider Poetry slam team for the 2017 season. Grote never left New York after his playing days, and actually lives in the Chemung area. A lifelong poet, he was intrigued when he attended a Chemung Shamans bout aginst the Rockford Pages earlier in the season, and contacted the league CEO, Dr. Millard Rausch, about joining the team. 

Grote, who played with an intensity so intense that a neurological disorder, Grote's Syndrome was named after him, has led many to question if he will bring that same rage to the Outsider Poetry Slam league bouts next season, which could be a mistake in bouts against new OPSLA competitors Raven Shadmock and The Ubermenscher. 

The signing has led many to wonder if the 2017 season will be a mere repeat of the 2016 season, where the Chemung Shamans went undefeated in the Eastern Division before being beaten in the Championship by the undefeated Western Division champs the Rancho Cucamonga Kookamungas. Both teams have strengthened their rosters during the off season, and with expansion to 16 teams likely to thin out the talent pool, it is probably both teams will be difficult to defeat in the coming season. Las Vegas books have Rancho Cucamonga at a 7:5 proposition, wheras the newest team, The Hell Hollerers are 750:1.

Former Met pitchers Craig Swan and Jon Matlack are quoted as saying they were intimidated by the surly Grote, and were afraid at times to shake off the pitches he called. Will Grote be calling the pitches for the Chemung Shamans? On a team with strong-willed poets, it is unlikely anyone will want to allow Grote to call the signals. 

Grote is also no fan of umpires, once allowing a fastball to intentionally pass by and hit Bruce Froemming in the throat. Will groat attempt to intimidate the referees and judges of the OPSLA? It is hard to say. 

Grote also hates the press. Which may be a disadvantage when trying to promote a fledgling Poetry Slam League. Come to think of it, Grote may just be a pain in the ass. 

Monday, July 18, 2016

The Ubermenscher Himself Joins Outsider Poetry Slam League of America

Tibetan Tulpa demon The Ubermenscher, made famous in the "Arcadia" episode of The X-Files, will be joining the Hell Hollerers of the Outsider Poetry Slam League of America next season. For many centuries believed to be merely a figment of the collective unconscience, the Tulpa Demon, who prefers to be referred to as Walter Clemons, is actually a big fan of both slam poetry and the outsider poetry slam, and contacted league president and former star of Dawn of the Dead Dr. Millard Rausch to ask if figments of the imagination were eligible to compete in OPSLA sanctioned events. Dr. Rausch said there is no rule expressly forbidding that, so Ubermenscher filled out the paperwork, and was quickly signed by the newest franchise, the Hell, Michigan Hollerers. 

The Ubermenscher is actually very politically conscious, and recommends all Americans vote... or else. 

Asked in an interview if his tendency to shatter the eardrums of humans with his voice will be a detriment to to his performance in the OPSLA, Walter Clemons made an intonation, shattered the reporter's ear drums, then shambled off. 

What will this new franchise, the Hell Hollerers, roster look like. We know Helen Reddy and Helen Mirren are already signed to the team, with rumors that Donald Trump will join once he is humiliated in the presidential race.

Is it a good idea to get off the Ubermenscher's lawn? Yes. Play Pokemon Go in his neighborhood? No. Play Nickleback songs in his earshot? No.

We haven't even gotten to the Winter Meetings, and there have already been many exciting developments for OPSLA franchises, including the addition of the Yakima Yakkers, Hell Hollerers, and Sausalito Saucy Saucers. Also, the signing of many celbrities, including Bub the Zombie, Dr. Who, Peter Dinklage, and Raven Shadmock. 

The Outsider Poetry League of America is the world's largest competitive slam poetry league, and the champion of the OPSLA is considered the best slam poetry team in the world. This year the championship was won by the Rancho Cucamonga Kookamungas. One might think the Kookamungas might be resting on their poetic laurels, but that has not been the case as they have been perhaps the busiest team in the league already this off season, and intend to create the first minor league poetry system. 

Sunday, July 17, 2016

Great Week For The Outsider Poetry Slam League of America

What was a terrible weeks for most of the world turned out to be a rather nice week for the Outsider Poetry Slam League of America, according to league president Dr. Millard Rausch. Several corporate sponsors, including Alpo, Budweiser, Trojan Condoms, and Toyota, which is going to revive its classic ad campaign, "You wanted it, you got it, Toyota," for the 2017 season. 

In even more exciting news. several celebrity poets announced they will be joing to rosters of Outsider poetry teams next year, including Peter Dinklage of Game of Thrones fame, Dr. Who will bejoining the Rancho Cucamonga team in the form of actor Tom Baker, Helen Reddy will be joining the Hell Hollerers, a new franchise in Hell, Michigan, comedian Carrot Top will be joining the Podunk Polemicists, veteran television producer Norman Lear joining the Sheboygan Syllablists, superhero Ape-Face Rockefeller joining the Rockford Pages, Raven Shadmock joining the Kokomo Oralists, and Cokie Roberts agreeing to join the new franchise in Yakima. 

The Fourth Incarnation of Dr. Who, here pictured wearing a poet's shirt, will be joining the Rancho Cucamonga Kookamungas for the 2017 Outsider Poetry Slam League of America season. The Kookamungas were the 2016 league champions, and have a roster filled with celebrities, including the Bridges brothers, Dr. Who, and Lorenzo Lamas. 

The Hell Hollerers will begin competing in OPSLA in the 2017 season. Helen Reddy will be the team captain, and Helen Mirren is reported to have shown interest in joining the squad. 

Helen Mirren, Rockford poet, set to join the Hell Hollerers for the 2017 season. Shineboxes.

Thursday, July 14, 2016

The Omega Man To Join Outsider Poetry Slam League of America in 2017

The Omega Man himself has decided to join the Outsider Poetry Slam League of America in 2017, but has not chosen a team. It is rumored he is leaning heavily towards the Rockford Pages, but no statement has been made yet. 

The Omega Man will be competing in the OPSLA in 2017, possibly with the Rockford Pages

The move may help shift the balance of power away from the Rancho Cucamonga Kookamungas, who recently signed Tom Baker, the fourth incarnation of Dr. Who for the 2017 season, and are promising many more celebrity signings.

Rockford sorely needs an injection of hope for the 2017 season, as they went winless in the inaugural OPSLA season, despite a promising lineup that included Outlaw Poet Thomas L. Vaultonburg, Jesus Correa, and The Leader of Something Horrible Tim Stotz.

The Omega Man would fit in seemlessly in Rockford, a city forsaken by anyone with logic or decency, and declared America's third dumbest, fattest, and most violent city by the national media. 

Other teams in the league have also been scrambling to make off season acquistitions, with the Chemung Shamans signing Game of Thrones actor Peter Dinklage, and of course the Dr. Who signing by Rancho Cucamonga. 

In other news, the Rules Committee is meeting this week in Orlando to discuss several proposed rule changes to make competition more fair, including fair and impartial referees and judges, whereas the home team now is required to provide celbrity judges. The system has been abused nearly from the beginning, and a core of disinterested judges is clearly needed. Other rules changes include limiting bouts to non-alcoholic venues as several riots broke out during last season's contests. 

Eight new teams have applied to be included in the OPSLA season, with cities in Sheboygan, Yakima, and Hell, Minnesota getting approval.

  1. The Hell Hollerers will compete in the 2017 Outsider Poetry Slam season